I'm crying, and I can't stop. I don't know where to start; what to write. They signed her death warrant. She's 4. She turns 5 in July. What say does she have in it? If she had the choice, would she choose to live? How can they decide that FOR her?? I was there the night she first came in. She'd been discharged with 'gastro' that day. She had a big vomit that night, and her father looked at her face, and saw that one of her pupils had blown. David and I were in resus with her - that was the start of our night shift. Maybe 2 months ago. A CT scan revealed that she had a massive brain tumour, and it was uncertain whether she'd live, let alone live normally. I never knew. That's one thing I don't like about emergency. You never have resolve. Patient privacy doesn't really let you ring them up a week/month/year later to find out how they are. And then today. 6:05am. David and I on night shift together again. We'd already had 2 resuscitations involving small babies not breathing. We were both tired. But we recognised her on the ambulance stretcher. Half her hair missing from the operation. But she was back because she had the same symptoms as last time. She never had chemo or radiation or ANYTHING. Her parents put her on immune boosters and left the tumour to regrow. She's such a beautiful girl. We tried to get a drip into her. 5 times we tried, and failed. I gave her 5 stickers. She didn't want the bravery ones. She wanted the Christmas ones. She won't see Christmas again. And it fucking kills me. She will DIE. This beautiful half blonde, half bald 4 year old with a teddy called "Ellie" will die and nothing I can do or say will stop that from happening. And the father now knows that too. He hung his head and said to me "I'm scared of the future. I don't know if I can do it." I put my hand on his, and all I could say was that I was sorry. And then we all sat in the room together - me, David, this lovely brave little girl and her father - cracking jokes about her 'naughty' veins while we stuck needle after needle into her. Couldn't they TRY? Why let such a beautiful little girl just slip away? How can they watch that sparkle and that smile fade? What was the point in saving her 2 months ago, only to let her go now? I know I shouldn't judge people's descisions, particularly with traditional/non traditional medicine. But with something this BIG, something that she miraculously survived once, why wouldn't you do all in your power to save her forever from it? Why would you give it ANY power to hurt her? I don't get emotional about patients often. I get angry when we get car accidents and the fathers turn up pissed or stoned and they were the drivers. I get shocked when 3 year old girls have their vaginas ripped open from rapes. I cry when we lose a child to drowning or freak accidents or babies who have heart conditions that no one knows about. And I'm crying now. And I can't stop. Just like I can't stop her dying. I can't do it. I can't save this child with the blonde hair and her "Ellie". I can't. And it kills me.
