The time apart isn't going that well. When I do see him, all I seem to be doing is getting upset. I can't seem to simply enjoy our time together.

I saw him Friday night. Everything was fine, until he told me that they'd changed his schedule so that he was now working all 5 days this week, instead of three - and in Bundaberg instead of somewhere reasonably close to home.

I started crying and I just couldn't talk to him or look at him, because I felt that he simply didn't understand. Yes, he says he misses me, and I believe him, but I don't think he comprehends what I mean when I tell him that I miss him. I mean that I can't think of anyone else, that I feel incomplete, that life just isn't good.

And then he got another call from work, telling him about a weekend course he's expected to do next weekend. He willingly agrees to all of this work and these courses, and tells me that he misses me just as much as I miss him. I simply cannot believe him.

I don't think he's lying as such, I just don't think he KNOWS.

And this kills me, because then I realise that what I'm feeling is restricted to ME. That he can't possibly feel for me what I feel for him, because if he did, he wouldn't go. As simple as that.

And I KNOW it's work, and I know he needs the money, but...

And so I lay there that night, with frustrated tears running down my cheeks. Brian got too tired to ask what was wrong anymore, so I felt even more frustrated that he didn't 'care'.

Finally we started talking, and things were resolved.

The next night, amother thing led me to become upset, and the process started again.

Today was the stupidest. I was making hot chips, while Brian watched television. He finally came to help, and in the process, spilled them all over the floor.

I was so frustrated and so upset over such a stupid thing. I went upstairs and started getting ready for work. He followed me up and stayed near until I started talking. It was only then that I realised I wasn't annoyed about the chips at all, but about leaving him in half an hour to go to work, and knowing I wouldn't see him for yet another week.

I worry that this will be the end of us. I know we NEED to just cope...well, I do. He does already. It's me. I KNOW I need to just handle it, because it's just life, and it doesn't revolve around me - I know all that. But I need to be happy when he's here, with me. Not anticipating the times he's away.

I just don't know how yet.

previous - next

*notes*